killclaudio: (Passing Walrus)
[personal profile] killclaudio
Chris, who is a total darling and the fangrrl Housemate Of Choice (tm) bought me a present today - the Due South books!


Er, ignore the book they're propped on. That's Johnson's Archaeological Theory, which is even more exciting!

I'd forgotten these even existed, although I had a vague memory of them being truly terrible. I was right. I can't get through a sentence without cringing. Want to hear some of it? Of course you do! This is the opening chapter of All The Queen's Horses, based on the episodes All The Queen's Horses and Red, White or Blue.



"Fraser?"

"Yes, sir?"

"We need to improve our image."

"Sir?" Benton Fraser stared, puzzled, at the woman in front of him.

"Our image, Fraser." Superintendent [sic] Thatcher stared back. Her face, as usual, was an inscrutable mask. "The image of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police."

Resplendent in his dress uniform of red tunic and blue [blue?] trousers, Benton drew himself up to his full height. "I wasn't aware there was anything wrong with out image, sir." He sounded piqued, insulted. Paramount to him was the image he reflected, not for the greater good of himself, but for that of the Mounties.

Thatcher (for obvious reasons she rarely divulged her christian name) looked down for a moment. Didn't he know, she thought? Wasn't he aware that his presence, in the shape of six-foot two of gorgeous hunkdom [I kid you not, it actually says that], unnerved her? No, she corrected herself, of course he didn't. She had, in the two months since she had taken over as Canadian Consul in Chicago, gone to great lengths to conceal her feelings from Constable Benton Fraser. Such had been her inner turmoil that she had, at first, tried to fire him. At the time he had been convinced that - personal feelings aside - she had ample grounds for doing so.

The book then goes on about their backstory at interminable length. I won't copy out that bit, it's too dull. Let's get on to;

Since then, neither of them had referred to the episode. Now they enjoyed a healthy working relationship; Thatcher lusted quietly beneath her brittle facade while Benton, to his professional discomfiture, became increasingly hot under the collar of his dress uniform whenever he found himself in Thatcher's presence for more than a few minutes.

Refocussing her attention on the matter in hand, quelling a moment of quiet lust, Thatcher looked up at her deputy. "Where were we?" She demanded.

Benton forced his thoughts away from his collar and back to the matter in hand. "We were discussing our image, sir."

"Ahh. Yes. I am not," continued Thatcher, "referring to your image in particular, Fraser. I'm concerned about the Mounties in general; about the way the public perceives us. Especially the American public."

"Uh...and what do you propose we do about our image...sir?"

Thatcher hoped Benton couldn't see the corners of her mouth twitching. She had to admit that the 'sir' business - quite unconscious on Benton's part - gave her a certain frisson.

It goes on in this appalling vein for quite some time, and I won't subject you to all of it. There was, however, one passage I found particuarly offensive.

There was much that Thatcher didn't know about Benton. She didn't know that he had lost his mother when he was six. She wasn't aware that his quixotic personality [oh look, McGregor found his thesaurus] had much to do with being raised by his maternal grandparents [er, no, paternal grandparents] in small towns in the inhospitable Northwest Territories while his Mountie father pursued Mountie affairs [he!] in even more inhospitable locations. She didn't know that those grandparents had died (of disappointment) shortly after Benton himself had followed in his father's footsteps at that age of eighteen.




I'm sorry, what the fuck? George and Martha Fraser died of a broken heart?! I...have no words.

You know, I have a policy never to burn books, no matter how vile the material in them. I admire Vetinari's attitude, never a man to ignore fresh knowledge. But in the case of these books? I might have to make an exception.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-17 07:28 pm (UTC)
ext_12460: acquired from fanpop.com (Default)
From: [identity profile] akite.livejournal.com
OMG! My eyes! My eyes! I think I've gone blind.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-17 07:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kill-claudio.livejournal.com
Aren't they the most horrific thing you've ever read? McGregor should be strung up by his balls for writing them. Or maybe just subjected to a course of decently-written literature.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-17 07:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] viciouscats.livejournal.com
Oh god. This is too horrible for words. *shudders*

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-17 07:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kill-claudio.livejournal.com
Isn't it? I think Chris bought them just so he could torture me.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-17 07:42 pm (UTC)
luzula: a Luzula pilosa, or hairy wood-rush (Default)
From: [personal profile] luzula
What on Earth?!?

*dissolves into helpless giggles*

Oh God. Gorgeous hunkdom.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-17 07:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kill-claudio.livejournal.com
Oh God. Gorgeous hunkdom.

Because obviously all women think in this brainless and cliched fashion when confronted with an attractive man(!) Honestly, it's painful to read.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-17 07:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] boombangbing.livejournal.com
hunkdom

Wow. There's website somewhere that has the whole All The Queen's Horses posted, so I already know about his "hunkdom". I gave up after the third paragraph or so. ^^ Fraser Senior going about his "Mountie affairs" is ridiculously funny, couldn't McGregor have, I don't know, done some research on it?

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-17 07:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kill-claudio.livejournal.com
...couldn't McGregor have, I don't know, done some research on it?

Nah, that would have required effort, something which is clearly lacking throughout the book. I just really don't think he could be bothered.

You know, every time I see your icon now I start humming 'Hey little girl if you're window shopping, I got something that's traffic stopping...' *hearts your icon*

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Date: 2007-09-17 09:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] aingeal8c.livejournal.com
The website was realduesouth.net which has been taken down. :-(

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Date: 2007-09-17 07:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] greenonme.livejournal.com
*reads*

OMG, i think i need to scrub my eyeballs out now!

and then make sure i never, evereverevereverever write like this... ::huddles in a corner::

on a less distressing note: Hi KC! it's been a while, how've you been? ^_^

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-17 08:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kill-claudio.livejournal.com
Don't worry, you could never write anything that appalling.

HI! *glomps you* I'm fine, just a little busy. I'd forgotten how much work university is. Or maybe I'm just normally much more lazy. *g*

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-17 07:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lipstickcat.livejournal.com
I'm sorry. I acknowledge that these are awful, awful books. But. I'm a completist and a collector in nature, and just going to sit here and be consumed with jealousy that you have All the Queen's Horses for a while. It's the only one I need to complete my set!

*pouts*

If you turn off the internal beta, mind, they're quite funny books to read. I love the bits inside Dief's head. And there's a bit that made me laugh out loud in Death in the Wilderness:

At Bob's funeral: "[Fraser's] father, the most pragmatic of men, never held much truck with ghosts. Nor did Benton believe in them: a fact that, did he but know it, would make life rather awkward in the future."

Ah, I've found the comment I left someone with my favourite parts quoted, I may as well copy and paste...

"The only person who had a genuine insight into Benton's psyche was Diefenbaker - and he, strictly speaking, wasn't even a real person. He was a wolf."

"At first, Benton had wondered why the wolf didn't return to the bosom of his family. It took a few days and some fairly one-sided conversation for him to determine the reason: the animal was deaf and, being so, was considered an outcast in lupine society. Wolves, evidently, were strangers to the concept of political correctness"

"Dief regarded his affliction differently: he had it that sometimes he just forgot to hear. It was an omission, he figured, that anybody could make. And if he made that omission - more often than not, when Benton asked him to do something that didn't greatly appeal to him - well... that was just coincidence, wasn't it?"


Yes, it's awful. If I want good dS fic, I'll stick to the wealth of fantastic fanfic authors we are blessed with. But as light entertainment to leaf through as the bath runs, it does the job.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-17 08:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kill-claudio.livejournal.com
That is pretty awful. And not in the least compliant with canon, which is just...bizzare. Considering all the effort we make to at least be aware of canon before we destroy it. Seriously, the books are a waste of good paper.

Remind me again in about a month when I've had the chance to read ATQH, and I'll post the book to you. After all, if it'll make you happy to own it...it's not like I want to hang on to it.

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Date: 2007-09-17 08:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nos4a2no9.livejournal.com
Wow, I'd love to post that in an IM conversation with a, "Look, I found badfic!" qualifier, but...this was published. Someone paid this guy money to write about these characters like this! I am horrified.

And go you for typing all of that out. I would have burned the book and scrubbed my brain.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-17 08:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kill-claudio.livejournal.com
I know! That's what gets to me the most - someone paid this man to write like that, when pretty much every fangirl I know could do a better job. And are they paying us? No!

Yeah, part of me really, really wants to burn them. But I'm restraining myself.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-17 09:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] aingeal8c.livejournal.com
I love Paul Haggis's reaction to them:

(taken from - http://home.hiwaay.net/~warydbom/duesouth/haggischat.htm)

Speaking of which -- how are those British novelizations of my scripts? I skimmed one when they sent it to me (fully "written", without my input -- Alliance didn't think it necessary) and it was, frankly, pretty darn awful. Flat-footed writing, no sense of style, nothing left to the imagination, and well, dull, as I recall. Did they get better? I do hope so.

I think we now know why they were awful, really you should ask the guy who, you know, created the show before you mangle his work (as the did in Death in the Wilderness). And sadly Mr Haggis no, no they didn't.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-17 10:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kill-claudio.livejournal.com
I'd forgotten all about that; I think it might have been the first place I heard about them, though. Yeah, when the creator of the series hates the books I think it's time to buy a clue.

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] aingeal8c.livejournal.com - Date: 2007-09-18 05:59 pm (UTC) - Expand

It had to be done...

Date: 2007-09-17 09:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] aingeal8c.livejournal.com
I couldn't resist...

"Fraser?"

"Yes, sir?"

"We need to improve our image."

"Sir?" Benton Fraser stared, puzzled, at the woman in front of him.


Yes this sir is a woman! Wow a plot twist this early on?

"Our image, Fraser." Superintendent Thatcher stared back. Her face, as usual, was an inscrutable mask. "The image of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police."

Superintendent is what is on her door at the start of season 2 but still you would have thought they would have given the writer a copy of the script that mentioned she was an Inspector...

Resplendent in his dress uniform of red tunic and blue trousers, Benton drew himself up to his full height.

Sadly he couldn't find a piece of paper big enough.
(and yep dress trouser for the RCMP are a dark, navy blue)

"I wasn't aware there was anything wrong with our image, sir." He sounded piqued, insulted. Paramount to him was the image he reflected, not for the greater good of himself, but for that of the Mounties.

His insult was piqued? Someone likes their dictionary. And the use of mirrors to see one's reflection is for the greater good? Excellent.

Thatcher (for obvious reasons she rarely divulged her christian name)

i.e. the guy hadn't read that far along in the script yet. Or he wasn't sure if he could be bothered reading it at all.

looked down for a moment.

Looked down? At what? Cos just casually looking for a moment is sure going to make her flirting clear...

Didn't he know, she thought?

Duh...

Wasn't he aware that his presence, in the shape of six-foot two of gorgeous hunkdom, unnerved her?

Hunkdom, sounds like a small town in eastern Europe...And 6 foot 2? No wonder Fraser couldn't find a big enough peice of paper earlier.

No, she corrected herself, of course he didn't. She had, in the two months since she had taken over as Canadian Consul in Chicago,

Wow from Inspector to superintendent to Consul all in the space of a few lines. She must be on a fast career track.

gone to great lengths to conceal her feelings from Constable Benton Fraser.

By looking down for the odd moment here and there.

Such had been her inner turmoil that she had, at first, tried to fire him. At the time he had been convinced that - personal feelings aside - she had ample grounds for doing so.

So was the firing sexual harassment or not? She doesn't seem sure. Can she really be trusted to be Consul? Especially as she seems to make snap judgements.

Since then, neither of them had referred to the episode.

Wasn't it 'Vault'?

Now they enjoyed a healthy working relationship; Thatcher lusted quietly beneath her brittle facade while Benton, to his professional discomfiture, became increasingly hot under the collar of his dress uniform whenever he found himself in Thatcher's presence for more than a few minutes.

Okay *that's* supposed to be a healthy relaitonship? Where you have a woman full of lust for a guy she is superior in rank to and a hot under the collar Mountie?

And whose POV is this? If it is Thatcher's and she knows Fraser is hot for her what is her problem? If it is the narrtor's he seems to have a fair bit of Fraser lust himself.

Refocussing her attention on the matter in hand,

Yes, just as the writer should really be doing.

quelling a moment of quiet lust,

Is any lust really quiet?

Thatcher looked up at her deputy.

Remember? He's 6 foot 2 of pure hunkdom.

It had to be done... Part 2

Date: 2007-09-17 09:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] aingeal8c.livejournal.com
"Where were we?" She demanded.

The readers would like to know too.

Benton forced his thoughts away from his collar

Wait are we in his POV? I think the writer has done dso much mixing up in that whole healthy relationship bullshit paragraph he isn't sure.

And does he not want his collar to know his thoughts?

and back to the matter in hand. "We were discussing our image, sir."

And our lust. At least in our minds...

"Ahh. Yes. I am not," continued Thatcher, "referring to your image in particular, Fraser. I'm concerned about the Mounties in general; about the way the public perceives us. Especially the American public."

Erm...Fraser did use 'our image' earlier on before the lust distracted the focus. Fraser did mean all the Mounties.

"Uh...and what do you propose we do about our image...sir?"

I stutter at the start and end of my sentences! It must be love! Sorry, lust.

Thatcher hoped Benton couldn't see the corners of her mouth twitching. She had to admit that the 'sir' business - quite unconscious on Benton's part - gave her a certain frisson.

News at 11 a Canadian goes nuclear! Sorry, that's fisson isn't it? Pity. And corners of her mouth twitching? I'd see a doctor about that.

There was much that Thatcher didn't know about Benton.

That much is obvious. The writer too.

She didn't know that he had lost his mother when he was six.

But now you dear reader, you know.

She wasn't aware that his quixotic personality

Yes the writer is going through all the q words in the dictionary. I am sure he did it for a bet. Like writing this novel when half drunk possibly.

had much to do with being raised by his maternal grandparents

Maternal = the mother's line. I don't think the writer has wuote grasped which parent is which.

in small towns in the inhospitable Northwest Territories while his Mountie father pursued Mountie affairs

His father had affiars with Mounties? Well that puts the Bob/Buck relationship in a whole new light.

in even more inhospitable locations.

As if you can get any more inhospitable in the NorthWest territories...

She didn't know that those grandparents had died (of disappointment) shortly after Benton himself had followed in his father's footsteps at that age of eighteen.

WTF? How the hell can you die of disappointment? 'Benton we're very disappointed in you.' GAK! For goodness sake. And they let their son go into the Mounties, were proud of him. That is the most OOC peice of information he could have written there. I mean they live in such an inhospitable place they could have dided any number of ways but nope, disappointment.

Mr McGregor, you need to be forced to eat your own book.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-17 09:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] aingeal8c.livejournal.com
And because I cannot spam you enough *squee!* Johnson's Archaeological Theory!

*ahem*

Ah that and Renfrew and Bahn *snuggles them*. I could not have coped without them.

And Green. I think it was greene...Pactical Arachaeology.


(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-17 10:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kill-claudio.livejournal.com
Kevin Greene's Practical Archaeology, yes! Absolutely the best digging text book, much better than the (more popular) one by Barker. Much the way that I prefer Johnson to the more popular but infinitely less accessible Trigger.

I have to confess though, I didn't really like Renfrew and Bahn - I think it was the way they tried to cover every possible topic without going into any detail, and from an 'objective' viewpoint that was nothing of the kind. It was dull.

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His throbbing hunkdom...

Date: 2007-09-17 10:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] vsee.livejournal.com
Wow. This is really stunningly awful. I assume that the person doing the adaptation was a freelancer who was probably not paid a large amount for each job, and that these were considered cheap and disposable collectables, like a small plastic toy, and were possibly meant for youth or teen readers. It also sounds like maybe he was given some notes and a script, but that maybe he hadn't actually seen the show.

Still even with all that there is no excuse for writing this poor, lifeless, bizarre. As I was reading it, I had the fleeting thought that somehow you'd made a mistake in the typing, and then I was thinking...maybe he hated the job so much he was TRYING to sabotage it. But that doesn't really make sense since freelancers or anyone like that depend on getting as many of whatever kinds of jobs they can.

But really, REALLY, can any of us believe that someone who is paid to write professionally can have such a tin ear as to think it is OK to put in phrases like "hunkdom" or the exceptionally awkward reveal of his grandparents dying (of dissapointment).

Speaking of which, may I just join the howling WTF chorus over that? WTF!! The author obviously knew or was told some elements of Fraser's backstory, with the details about his mother's death at 6, and Thatcher trying to fire him in an earlier story and whatnot.

And hey, from now on, I am going to be out the lookout for "hunkdom" in all my fanfic, as in, he rubbed his hot, long throbbing hunkdom against Ray's ass, while slowly licking the trickle of sweat from the prickly edge of his hairline. *g*

Thanks for the laugh.

Re: His throbbing hunkdom...

Date: 2007-09-17 11:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kill-claudio.livejournal.com
As I was reading it, I had the fleeting thought that somehow you'd made a mistake in the typing...

I was waiting for someone to ask that, actually. I thought about using "[sic]", but if I'd added that next to every mistake it would have doubled in length. It really is just this horrific. The only thing I can think of is that, as you said, he wasn't being particularly well-paid, and did the job in a hurry. Because I hate to think that there are professional writers out there who are this bad.

And hey, from now on, I am going to be out the lookout for "hunkdom" in all my fanfic, as in, he rubbed his hot, long throbbing hunkdom against Ray's ass.

Hah! That's great. God knows bad!fic needs a few new euphemisms. I'm sure they'll appreciate us donating that one.

I'm so glad it made you laugh. You deserve cheering up. *hugs you*

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-17 10:41 pm (UTC)
ext_14817: (Default)
From: [identity profile] meresy.livejournal.com
Ow, what the hell?

*bleaches brain*

*gives [livejournal.com profile] vsee the evil eye for linking this*

I just. WTF.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-17 11:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kill-claudio.livejournal.com
I know! There should be some kind of therapy to help fangrrls get over this. Because, god, we can write better than that. What were they thinking?!

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-18 01:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jem80.livejournal.com
Oh good lord!! That is the most god awful thing I've ever read. I'm not sure I want to know what the writer was thinking. Jeez, I'm a pyschologist who had issues passing English, and I can write better than that. Scary,

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-18 11:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kill-claudio.livejournal.com
terrifying, isn't it? I can't believe they ever got it into print.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-18 06:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] moon-brain.livejournal.com
You know, I was really happy not having read that. Damn it.

What comatose, cabbage brained, remedial compostion class drop-out of an editor okayed these?

And let it be known: Tom McGregor, if I ever meet you, I will punch you in the mouth on behalf of the English language.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-18 11:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kill-claudio.livejournal.com
Tom McGregor, if I ever meet you, I will punch you in the mouth on behalf of the English language.

I was thinking we could arrange a course of reading for him - a combination of good books and good fanfic - to show him what ndecent writing looks like. And introduce him to the slash.

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(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-18 06:20 am (UTC)
ext_12745: (Default)
From: [identity profile] lamentables.livejournal.com
Wow, I read a Smallville novelisation by Nancy Holder once (for a dare) and I thought I'd hit the depths of bad writing, but this is so much worse.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-18 11:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kill-claudio.livejournal.com
I think they hit rock bottom with this. I'm praying they hit rock bottom, because if there's worse writing out there in the world, I don't want to think about it.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-18 06:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] the_antichris.livejournal.com
*cries* The wandering POV! The asyouknowbob! Fraser's collar fetish! NOES.

You know, some of the SGA novels are written by someone I strongly suspect of being a fangirl as well as a good writer. They couldn't do that for DS? We can tone down the slash! G-rated stories are no gayer than the show, fercrissake.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-18 11:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kill-claudio.livejournal.com
Fraser's collar fetish actually made me laugh, but yeah, the rest of it is agony. I think they were depending on fans buying it for its connection with the show, not for any merits of the book itself.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-18 07:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wonkyinagoodway.livejournal.com
OMG! OH NOES! TEH HORROR!

I was in a kind of hurry when I read this entry so I instantly klicked the cut and must have hit the second one because I was like... 'What the hell, there another badfic challenge?' Then something about a book and I scrolled up and well. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! >_

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-18 11:19 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kill-claudio.livejournal.com
Yeah, I'm really sorry to inflict this on you all. *evil laugh* Don't go back and read it a second time, I can guarantee it doesn't improve.

You know, if there ever is another badfic challenge, at least now I'll have these as a guide for what to write.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-18 07:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] leafy22.livejournal.com
I don't know which is worse - the 'hunkdom', the total lack of research re grandparents etc etc or the way he's *completely* missed the characters such as He sounded piqued, insulted - it's all so, so wrong.

I have a feeling I used to have a copy of Death In The Wilderness - I'll look for it the next time I'm at my parent's house so that it's handy whenever I have some wobbly furniture that needs propping up.

Also? Love the new picture at the top of your page!

(no subject)

Date: 2007-09-18 09:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kill-claudio.livejournal.com
It's almost as thought he set out to make it as awful as possible, isn't it? I don't think he could have written worse if he'd tried. Propping up furniture seems like a good use for them - I might consider that as an alternative to starting the fire with them.

Thank you! I'm just fiddling with it at the moment - I'm going to look through my screencaps to see if I can find something I really like.